Post 9; Individual Script Feedback

The first draft of my script is shown below, adaptions and editing will be made after decisions are put  into place. The script its self was not in the correct format, and it was said that in the film industry it would just be thrown away due to the lack of structure.

Feedback from class mates.

When we discussed ideas in class, everyone was asked to discuss feedback and read each others script. Carolyn said that she liked my main idea, but thought that i was trying to convey an hour long feature film. Other then that she liked the idea, and the main narrative and storyline.

Another student said that he liked the idea of the story, and liked the fact it was a twist on "Bend It Like Beckham" but not copy writed. They also laughed and found some of it humerus when one of my characters dialogue consisted of "Alright G". Even though this feedback was not relevant to help me make a better script, it was a comment that i liked.

Another class mate said that again they liked my original idea, but it would be hard to film someone breaking their leg, and that it was a bit un realistic, and dream like.

Other feedback i got from my class mates was, that i didn't have very much a point to my story, there was no narrative at the beginning an i needed to research more about women footballers, and how they cope with injuries.

Feedback from Mrs Shipp

Mrs Shipp also said that I was trying to make a feature film, and my idea was too big for a short film to be made.

Generally she said she liked the storyline despite its cliches, and she was not sure that a school girl would get engaged that quickly, and it seems a lot of emotion to deal with, when the girl breaks her leg, and then goes to cheer on her team mates,

She suggested that the ending was not realistic because in her opinion she would not want to go to her teams football match, after breaking her leg, that would be the last thing she would do.

She also said that my script would be better if the main character got a minor injury, rather then breaking her leg, and that it could bring her closer to her family. I guess my storyline was extreme and non realistic.

Feedback from Becky Knapp (film producer)

When film producer Becky Knapp came into our lesson for a script work shop, she went through all o our scripts individually and gave us constructive feedback on what we could do to improve our scripts for a second draft.

Becky said that i need to review the layout as not many of us had create our script in proper format, and i needed a title that would be effective for my script.

Again, Becky said that i was trying to get a feature film out of the script, and it was a big storyline to construct in 7 minutes.
Becky liked the fact that my script had lots of Drama in it, and she said that it is always good to have lots of drama, and things going on.

She also said that it would be hard to film, and my storyline was big, i needed to cut it down and make it more realistic. Becky gave me the idea that i could change the storyline by having conflict between the two girls, Kim and Amanda about the football trials, and they end up falling out.

I took that comment into consideration and when editing my script and doing my second draft, i added in that idea and made it so that there was tension between the two characters, in the football trials.

Second Draft ideas

Given the feedback i had gained, i decided to take out most of the unrealistic ideas i had in my script. I took out where she had broken her leg, and decided to take Becky's idea, about the girl having more conflict between Kim and Amanda. The idea was that they both wanted to play in the FA cup, and in the end Amanda gets picked, and Kim is left unhappy and feels as though she is stabbed in the back.